


Changes Everything Deleted Scene: April 18, 1996, England

by Maiasaura



Series: Changes Everything Universe [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Agender Character, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood, Depression, Female Character of Color, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Female Character of Color, Mental Breakdown, Other, Pansexual Character, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, female-agender relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 07:10:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5281541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maiasaura/pseuds/Maiasaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maggie's Suicide Attempt, from Neville's POV </p><p>"And I...I'm feeling so small<br/>It was over my head<br/>I know nothing at all<br/>And I...will stumble and fall<br/>I'm still learning to love<br/>Just starting to crawl </p><p>Say something, I'm giving up on you<br/>I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you<br/>Anywhere I would've followed you<br/>Say something, I'm giving up on you." </p><p>~ A Great Big World, "Say Something"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changes Everything Deleted Scene: April 18, 1996, England

**Author's Note:**

> TW for suicide attempt, self harm, blood, and depression

April 18, 1996, England

 

Maggie was bad.

 

Maggie was _very_ bad.

 

I was not unfamiliar with Maggie’s levels of bad. After all, I had been the one to find her on that roof…

 

Shaking, shivering…

 

So small…

 

Maggie was not small. Maggie was not _supposed_ to be small. On that roof, she had been small – tiny – huddled in a ball of grunge and torn clothing and dirty skin and homelessness. She had curled up small – perhaps for warmth – and she was shivering. I could see dark circles under her eyes, and every inch of her was etched with illness.

 

I never wanted to see her like that again.

 

Getting her well – getting her un-addicted to heroin – that had been the most important thing for me. I needed her to be well.

 

Anyone who says that just loving someone will make them well is delusional.

 

Just loving Maggie couldn’t fix her. She was sick, she needed help. But the fact that I loved her, that gave me the strength to put the work in to help her.

 

But just loving her? Just loving her couldn’t do anything.

 

I was at a loss.

 

Maggie was bad. Maggie was worse than she had been that summer, worse than she had been when she found out about Harry’s fate. Maggie was worse than she had ever been. Maggie was bad.

 

No matter how much I told her I loved her, she didn’t seem to believe it.

 

No matter how much I told her she was worthy of my love, she decidedly didn’t believe it.

 

Maggie was bad, and I didn’t know what to do.

 

I woke up with her in my arms, and I checked to make sure that she was still breathing – I hated that I felt like I had to check. I hated that I worried she would find something poisonous, and eat it… or that she would hurt herself, and bleed out…

 

She was soft and tiny and completely wrapped up in my arms, my arm underneath her neck and shoulder, my other around her waist and stomach. My face had been pressed between her neck and shoulder, and as I roused there, I listened carefully for her heartbeat. It was still there, and I let out a sigh of deep relief.

 

When I was awake, I could make sure she was okay.

 

I squeezed my arms around her tighter. Maybe by holding her to me, I could ensure she stayed alive.

 

She was warm, but small.

 

Maggie wasn’t supposed to be small.

 

Maggie was supposed to be large, and powerful, and big, and strong, and yes – smaller than me – but not smaller than many others.

 

I remembered the day after that bastard had hurt her – though I didn’t know it at the time – she had been tiny that day too.

 

I was so confused.

 

Why was Maggie tiny?

 

Now I knew exactly why Maggie was tiny, and I had no idea how to help.

 

I squeezed her even tighter in my arms, probably too tight –

 

Yes too tight –

 

She was stirring.

 

I sighed. I hoped she would fall back asleep. I didn’t know if I was ready to deal with her today.

_Selfish selfish selfish selfish._

I violently bit a portion of the inside of my mouth. How dare I wish she stay asleep. How dare I wish I didn’t have to deal with her. I was a horrible, horrific, terrible person.

 

I could taste blood in my mouth, which was my cue to stop biting.

 

“Mags?” I whispered softly. She stirred a little, turning to face me, her eyes opening slowly.

 

I remembered a day when she would open those eyes, and no matter what was going on around us, they would light up for having seen me.

 

Now her eyes were dull, disappointed – I knew, though I didn’t want to admit it to myself – they were disappointed that she was still alive to see anything.

 

My heart clenched as I remembered the most terrifying conversation from a few days ago.

 

 _“You’re really good at taking care of Blue_ ,” _she murmured as I scratched Blue behind her crest, enjoying the feeling of her soft down between my fingers._

_Why would you say this?_

_What would prompt you to say this?_

_Why does it matter, when you can take care of her?_

_“Well, I care about her,” I mumbled, but I needed her to say we would take care of her together – that we were in this together – that she wasn’t saying this for the reasons I thought she was saying this –_

_“I’m glad,” she responded. She did not respond how I needed her to._

_She responded like someone who wanted to die._

I swallowed back tears and I held her tightly to me in the present. Maybe I would be able to keep her here with me just long enough to get her help – how would I get her help when she was a fugitive – I had to keep her – I had – I –

 

“Hey,” she mumbled softly. I immediately peppered her face with small kisses, leaving no inch of skin unkissed. She smiled, but the smile was a ghost; I could feel my heart shatter as I stared at the ghost smile, small chips of it falling down to somewhere I couldn’t retrieve them.

 

“I love you,” I whispered. She swallowed, and took a while, looking away from me and up at the canopy of trees over our heads.

 

She finally looked back at me, swallowed, and murmured, “I love you.”

 

The words were hollow and lost.

 

If I didn’t know that it was because she doubted her capacity to love _anyone_ , then I would have been more upset by those specific words, and wondering if we were going to break up before we had barely begun.

 

But I knew she was merely hating herself, and that there was no danger of these things.

 

The danger was a profoundly greater one.

 

“You do,” I murmured. She looked away again, and I tried to stop myself from crying.

 

“We should get going,” Hermione sighed from a corner. Maggie stumbled out of my arms and kept walking forward, not really looking around at her surroundings. I quickly followed her, gripping her hand tightly in mine. She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t squeeze it either. Blue nuzzled up against her eagerly, but she didn’t pay attention to her.

 

“Mags?” I whispered desperately. I needed her to talk to me.

 

She made no motion to respond, simply walking next to me.

 

“Mags?” I begged, my voice breaking.

 

“Yeah?” she asked softly, not meeting my eyes.

 

“Please talk to me,” I whimpered, unable to contain myself.

 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she responded brusquely, almost pulling away from me before stopping herself. I watched her walk in front of me desperately, at a complete and utter loss of what to do, my heart clenching and breaking as her hunched shoulders shuffled forward through the forest. I could see branches scratch up her bare legs (I had thought she was getting better when she had eagerly put on shorts; I had been wrong) and even cut them, but she made no move to clean the cuts or even wince in pain.

 

_Maggie…_

_Maggie, please…_

I couldn’t get the words out. I knew no matter what I said, it would make no difference.

 

A twig gashed her leg deeply and she didn’t even flinch; I couldn’t stop myself anymore.

 

“Mags, you’re bleeding,” I whispered.

 

“So?” she responded quietly.

 

“You should clean it and bandage it,” I mumbled.

 

“What’s the point,” she muttered.

 

“Your health,” I whispered. My voice was hoarse and I was overcome with fear.

 

_Mags…_

“My point stands,” she muttered, and I knew the discussion was over.

 

We kept walking in silence; I tried to put myself in the past. Before all this happened. When she was happy, and she would look at me with love and joy and all those good things that I hadn’t seen in her eyes since Harry had broken her.

 

_If it’s the last thing I’ll do, I’ll kill you, Harry Potter._

I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help the rage that flooded my stomach and heart and lungs. It was _his fault_.

 

Eventually we stopped walking; I could tell everyone was tired. Hermione looked so exhausted and just _done_. Sam looked similar. We all sat down silently, me looking over at Maggie desperately, who was staring down at her feet and holding her somewhat bloody knees in her hands. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t know how to do that without her flinching away from me.

 

She was slipping away from the world, and I couldn’t keep her here. I couldn’t hold her to me and keep her in the world. She was slipping away, and there was no way for me to keep her here.

 

The mere thought made my hands shake violently.

 

“I’m hungry,” Sam muttered. Maggie’s head slightly titled up, looking not at Sam, but in his general direction. I swallowed heavily and tried to reach out for her, but I eventually stopped myself. I knew it would probably only make things worse.

 

“Maybe we should look for food?” Hermione asked softly.

 

“I’ll go catch some,” Maggie insisted, rubbing her legs erratically with her hands. I looked at her in shock – when was the last time she had offered to do such a thing? We all had to remind her to hunt. I tried to ignore the spark of hope in the bottom of my heart.

 

“I will,” Maggie insisted, and her voice had turned desperate. Too desperate. She was going to hunt because she was desperate. Did she doubt her usefulness? Did she doubt her purpose? Did she doubt her life? Sam and Hermione shrugged, but I couldn’t stop her as she got up, her quiver hanging from her back, her bow in her hand. Blue scurried after her, and that cheered me; at the very least, Blue was with her. She wouldn’t do anything with Blue there.

 

I sat back against a tree and breathed in heavily, trying to collect myself. She wouldn’t try anything with Blue. She was safe.

 

“We’re going to figure it out, Nev,” Hermione murmured, but her voice broke mid-sentence. She knew the crap in her sentence as much as I did.

 

“We’re not, and we’re going to lose her,” I whispered. I tried to stop myself from sobbing, but I couldn’t. I was crying heavily, rivers of tears running down my face.

 

“No, we’re not. There’s someone on her at all times,” Sam shook his head rapidly, “There’s no way she can get away with something like that when one of us are watching her. Even Blue. We can keep her alive as long as we’re with her.”

 

“And what happens the moment she’s separated, for whatever reason? We can’t ensure this forever,” I whispered, “We can’t.”

 

“Nev, we’re going to _have_ to –“ Hermione mumbled.

 

“We’re going to lose her! And it’s all his fault!” I shouted, my voice breaking in horror and anger, throwing a clod of dirt I had plucked from the ground into the forest, “I am going to kill him! I am! It’s all his fault!”

 

“Harry didn’t know what he was saying –“ Hermione whispered.

 

“Yes he did! You know he did! You’re just as mad as I am!” I screeched.

 

“Well yes, but I don’t think you should kill him!” Hermione begged.

 

“IF MAGGIE DIES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WILL DO!” I roared.

 

“Neville, you’re going to call attention to us, you have to calm down,” Sam whispered.

 

I fell back to the ground, sobbing horrifically into my hands. The tears flowed from my eyes and poured onto the ground as I shook madly, unable to stop myself. I cried and cried, and Sam and Hermione left me alone, knowing that I needed that then.

 

I cried until I had no tears left, and I hunched over next to the tree. Maggie still wasn’t back yet. Where was she? Was she okay? What had happened?

 

I began shaking violently again – I was so worried – my brain was white with fear –

 

Rustling in the bushes –

 

Blue came out, alone –

 

“Blue?” Hermione asked in confusion.

 

I looked at the small dinosaur in terror, my eyes widening. Why would she be here without Maggie?

 

She chirped anxiously at me and I immediately got up.

 

“Blue, lead me,” I begged. She immediately began scurrying through the woods as fast as her legs could carry her and I followed, Hermione and Sam coming right behind me. My heart was in my throat and my brain was blank with only one emotion –

 

_Please be okay please be okay please be okay please be okay_

We finally ran up to a clearing in the forest. There was a dead deer.

 

And there was a very dead looking girl.

 

“ ** _NO!_** ”

 

I screamed at the top of my lungs, falling to my knees. There she was. My Maggie. Lying on the ground, her legs covered in more scratches and blood, and her right arm covered in deep horizontal cuts, from which blood was flowing freely. She was, in fact, surrounded in a pool of her own blood, and her head had blood underneath it too, probably from having hit it.

 

My glass heart completely shattered, all the pieces falling into a heap at the bottom of my stomach.

 

 

“ ** _NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!_** ” I kept screaming, unable to stop myself. Hermione immediately rushed forward to Maggie, though it was pointless, though she was clearly dead –

 

So much blood –

 

It filled my nostrils and threatened to overtake me –

 

 _I’m coming, Maggie, I’ll join you soon_.

 

The thought was startling, but, I couldn’t stop it.

 

I knew it was true.

 

There would be no murder, not of Harry.

 

Maggie had been too pained for this world, too hurt by it, and nothing could keep her here, and why should it? She was hurt so bad by it. The world had destroyed her. What she needed from me now was to join her, wherever she was. We had to be together again, and I would join her immediately. I reached for an arrowhead on the ground and Sam immediately reached out to stop me.

 

“Neville, _no_ ,” Sam whispered, tears flowing down his eyes.

 

“DON’T STOP ME,” I screamed, my voice hoarse from it, my face still covered in endless streams of tears.

 

“She has a pulse,” Hermione whispered. I could feel my head snap up in shock.

 

“Sam, the dittany – my bag – also I have some vials of –“

 

“Got it –“

 

“I’ll start with the dittany, can you force the herbs down her throat?”

 

“Yeah –“

 

“Neville, _breathe_.”

 

I was trying, but I was so overwhelmed by pain and fear that I couldn’t – I was hyperventilating, the air going in heavily and painfully in and out of my lungs, it was burning, burning them, I was on fire –

 

“ _Breathe_ ,” Sam urged, walking up from Maggie and rubbing my shoulders somewhat. I shrugged him off, unable to deal with that, I couldn’t breathe until I knew she would –

 

I was overwhelmed, and I couldn’t stop crying –

 

_Maggie –_

 

Hermione was putting dittany on all the cuts and on Maggie’s head and it seemed to be working – the blood wasn’t pouring from her anymore – her chest was visibly moving as she breathed, unlike before –

 

“Oh thank god,” Sam breathed.

 

“The dittany is working, thank _Merlin_ ,” Hermione sighed.

 

I watched in deep relief as she stirred and began to blink her eyes open, green meeting the world again. I was still crying, and now I was crying even more heavily, out of a relief so powerful that I couldn’t feel anymore.

 

“Oh thank god!” Sam repeated.

 

I sobbed so loudly and horrifically as Maggie’s eyes met mine, it was a wail of terror and of horror and of hopelessness. She looked at me in shock as I immediately pulled her up from the ground and wrapped my arms as tightly around her waist as I possibly could, not caring that I got her blood all over me, not caring about anything, just that she was here and I was _never letting her out of my sight ever again._

“No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no –“

 

“Neville, shut _up_ ,” Hermione muttered.

 

I stopped, though the thought was the only one in my brain –

 

Never again –

 

When I was with her, I knew she was safe – I could keep her alive – I could save her from herself – I had to stay with her – I had to keep her in my sight – I had to – I couldn’t – I couldn’t lose her –

 

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

 

I shook with the force of this and held her as tightly as I could.

 

“I still need to work on her wounds, come on, Nev –“ Hermione begged.

 

“I am never letting go of her again!” I roared at the top of my lungs, “I am never letting her out of my sight again! Never! It’s not happening!”

 

Blue chirped loudly and angrily in agreement.

 

She wasn’t moving or responding against me, so I had to pull back from her, even a little. I looked at her earnestly and she averted her eyes, stabbing my already shattered heart.

 

“Why?” I begged, looking at her desperately, “ _Why?_ ”

 

Her face looked horrifically pained, now, and as she met my eyes I could see that her desire to die had somehow only increased. Her eyes were dull and lost and broken and I couldn’t stop myself from shaking around her.

 

_You don’t get to leave me. Not like this._

“Usually people leave a note. Can we hear your note?” Sam muttered behind me, sounding despondent. Maggie averted her eyes again.

 

“Please, Maggie, _why_ ,” Hermione whispered.

 

She started staring at her knees and I gripped her tighter.

 

“Talk to me!” I begged, looking at her as desperately as I could. Finally she looked up at me, and she looked even more pained and horrified – I knew she would try again in an instant if we weren’t all around her.

 

“I am worthless and I only bring pain to other people’s lives and no on should have to have the burden of being around me anymore,” she mumbled quickly.

 

I burst into further tears. How could she think she was a burden to me, when she was one of the very few things that wasn’t?

 

_You didn’t want her to wake up this morning._

I cried harder.

 

No, she wasn’t a burden.

 

She _wasn’t_.

 

At least, not one that I didn’t mind bearing.

 

“Are you crazy?” Sam shouted.

 

“Maggie, come on, you have enriched all of our lives –“ Hermione whispered.

 

“No I haven’t.”

 

Did she not remember everything we had said to each other, on the best day of my life (so far)?

 

Did she not remember how important she was to me?

 

How could she forget all of this?

 

Had I not shown her enough? Was this my fault?

 

How could I have not shown her how much I loved her every day? I had to have, right?

 

“Before you, I was a loser with no friends and who would have spent the war in a closet refusing to help. Before you, Hermione was a know it all who didn’t stick up for herself or what she believed in and just tried to stay out of the way. Before you, Neville was a wimp who was scared of everyone and everything and thought he was worthless. Before you, we all were – we all were nobodies. Before you, we were all people who didn’t believe in themselves or the world around them to be a good place. At last for the there of us, you have made the world a good place – by being yourself, by forcing yourself into our lives, you _forced_ us to believe in ourselves, and you have made us better people for it!” Sam shouted.

 

I sobbed harder, and held her tighter, as tightly as I could. She had to believe him. She had to. She had to believe us. Blue was chirping loudly and angrily behind me.

 

“Without you, Blue wouldn’t even fucking exist!” Sam roared.

 

Maggie shook her head furiously and pressed her forehead to her knees.

 

“Well I’ll just keep reminding you of this because this is insane. Of course you are _full_ of worth and you have brought wonderful things to all of our lives and without you we would all b aimless and honestly right now I’m pretty convinced that if you succeeded in killing yourself Neville would do the same thing so that he would be with you!” Sam muttered, completely glossing over the fact that I _had_ tried to kill myself, just somewhat, “So I’ll just keep fucking telling you that till it gets through your thick fucking skull. And then I’ll kill Harry because this is all his stupid fault and he was a dick and now you’re _completely_ fucked up.”

 

Maggie looked at me in shock.

 

I remembered how I needed to die to be with her.

 

Hoping, grasping at the mere chance that this could work to keep her here, I nodded my head as fast as I could.

 

Maggie’s eyes changed. She still clearly loathed herself, but I knew she wouldn’t be able to indirectly kill me. I knew it. She looked dejected, resigned, hopeless, but she wouldn’t try it again.

 

I couldn’t help it. I would do _anything_ to make her stay. I pulled her in, roughly, and kissed her as hard as I could. Maybe it would keep her here, maybe it would remind her that I _needed_ her here. I kissed her as hard as I could, and she didn’t move much in my arms. I could hear the others leaving, and I kept kissing her as much as I could, tears still flowing heavily from my eyes. I finally pulled back from her and stared at her desperately, my whole body shaking from the effort.

 

“I love you,” I whispered hoarsely, “How could you forget that?”

 

“You love some weird, idealized version of me –“

 

“I love _you_ ,” I roared, fury entering my soul, “I have known who you are – _exactly who you are_  - since we were eleven.”

 

She looked at me in shock. I was overwhelmed with memories of her – but I knew who she was. Exactly who she was.

 

“You are passionate,” I insisted.

 

 _Maggie, talking about dinosaurs in front of Umbridge’s class, a light in her eyes that I couldn’t get enough of, a light that could set fire to the world_.

 

“But headstrong – “

 

_Maggie insisting that she fight Malfoy in the middle of the night, the fire in her eyes a wildfire in the woods –_

“Fuck that, you’re a steamroller, and you will do anything to have what you think is right happen,” I hissed.

 

_Maggie threatening to kill Malfoy, and looking unremorseful about it as she told us, the fire a constant blaze, heat emanating from her, threatening to overtake the world, as long as she could keep her sister safe._

“You are amazingly intelligent,” I continued, her face shocked at my brutally honest rhetoric.

 

_Maggie figuring out evolution from the muggle textbook in a matter of weeks, her eyes lit up with excitement and joy at having done so, explaining it to me in rushed, happy tones –_

“But that makes you pompous and stubborn, because you automatically assume that every opinion and decision you make is right,” I furthered, swallowing heavily.

 

_Deciding that it was best to leave Harry in the dark, and looking so pained when she realized she had done him wrong –_

“You are funny,” I whispered hoarsely.

 

_Maggie joking around about Blue, and laughing with me at the silly things we’d find while reading our textbooks –_

“But self – destructive,” my voice broke on the words, and Maggie’s eyes softened.

 

_Maggie, screaming as I took away her smack and threw it away, looking at me in pain and horror and terror, her entire body sickly and dirty and destroyed but her still insisting she was fine._

“You are beautiful,” I whispered.

 

_Maggie waking up in the morning, looking at me with love in her eyes the morning after we had confessed our feelings._

“But uncaring about your physical appearance,” I admitted.

 

_Maggie, her hair in a messy ponytail, her uniform basically a tattered conglomerate of garments as she studied one morning third year, not caring that she looked like she had been run over by a truck, focusing solely on her schoolwork._

“You are cold and cut off when you are hurt,” I whimpered.

 

_Maggie refusing to write to me for a whole summer, shattering my heart into small pieces._

“But warm and accepting and one of the most loving people in the world when you are healthy,” I whispered.

 

_Maggie holding me as I cried after everyone finding out about my parents – just holding me – her arms a warm shelter from everything wrong in the world –_

“You will defend and protect and help the people you care about to the point of hurting yourself,” I gasped through tears forming in my eyes.

 

_Maggie insisting on protecting me to Umbridge, only to have her torture her and nearly kill her in the Entrance Hall –_

“But sometimes you do so without real logic or forethought, and don’t actually help anyone at all,” I muttered.

 

_Trying to kill herself so she wouldn't be a burden anymore._

“You are violent,” I whispered.

 

_Maggie biting Malfoy third year._

“But fierce,” I swallowed.

 

_Maggie threatening to kill Pettigrew, a glint in her eyes, hoping to defend her brother from anyone who would do him harm._

“And wise,” I continued, unable to stop now.

 

_Maggie looking at me with complete understanding, acceptance, and I would later find – love – as I told her about my gender, and saying literally all the right things, seemingly without trying._

“Yet naïve,” I mumbled.

 

_Maggie not realizing how much I loved her for however long, and throwing the Valentine back in my face, breaking my heart without even trying._

“All at the same time,” I finished, trembling horrifically around her as I stared at her earnestly, “I love _you_ , every single fucking facet of you, even the bad ones,” I insisted, remembering so much of her –

 

_Her curious expression on the train when she first saw me –_

_Pulling her hair back into a ponytail before class, biting her lip as she stared at a pile of books –_

_Turning into a dragon, fierce and beautiful, screaming on the top of the roof in London –_

_Kissing me on the cheek in the forest, looking at me with love that I did not yet recognize –_

_Broken and tiny as she screamed for her brother after the third task –_

_Writhing under the cruciatus curse in Umbridge’s office –_

_Frowning at a charms textbook and groaning, running her hands furiously through her hair –_

_Resting her head on her knees and staring out the window during a rainy day, lost in deep thought –_

_Laughing, her whole face twisting into an expression of joy, at something Hermione said –_

_Grinning at Ginny and chasing her about in the snow –_

_Staring at me through heavy-lidded eyes after minutes, hours of snogging – her face flushed, and her lips parted –_

_Moaning as I touched her back, lighting every inch of my skin on fire just with a sound –_

_Scratching Blue absent-mindedly in our room, humming to herself in contentment –_

_The look on her face when she told me she loved me for the first time –_

_Maggie –_

_Margaret Natalie Johnson –_

“And I don’t want you to disappear from my life, ever, at all,” I begged, looking at her earnestly. She began sobbing in my arms, and I held her to me tightly again, pressing my forehead to hers.

 

“I love you, and I’m going to spend the rest of our lives proving to you that you’re worth of that, if I have to,” I vowed.

 

She held her face in her hands and cried harder, and the sound somehow broke me more. I pulled her face up from her hands and kissed her more passionately, and the feel of her lips moving against mine managed to glue some of my heart back together, and I pulled her closer to me automatically, curling her into my lap and around me as tightly as I could.

 

I kept kissing her, and kissing her, and I never wanted to stop, because her kissing me back was proof she was alive –

 

When she stopped, fear entered my heart again, and I looked at her in worry.

 

“What, sweetie?” I whispered.

 

I saved pet names for the desperate times. Maggie was music enough to my ears, Mags just as more so – but I needed her to know – know _how much_ she was to me –

 

“I don’t think I actually know how to love someone,” she finally admitted out loud. I had my response prepared instantly.

 

“That’s ridiculous,” I reassured. She frowned and looked down at her knees again, shaking her head.

 

“Harry said –“

 

“Harry was _wrong_ ,” I snapped. She looked at me, tears pouring from her eyes, and I realized I may have been too angry, so I softened my tone.

 

“You love everyone, that’s the whole point,” I murmured, smiling lovingly at her, “You love each of us so much that you would do anything to keep us safe, even at the expense of your principles. I mean come on, Mags, who gets angry about all the shit that’s happening in the world the most? It isn’t Harry, or Hermione, or me. It’s you.”

 

Her eyes softened somewhat, and I knew I was getting through to her. The relief that coursed through me was overwhelming.

“You _do_ care about this war and you _do_ care about defeating Voldemort. You just care about _us_ , as _people_ , more, which is perfectly fine. Your mirror of Erised vision – it wasn’t that you were with us – what you talked about was that all of us were _happy_ ,” I reminded, remembering her telling us about it when we were first years, and being so amazed that I was in her vision at all, “You weren’t paying attention to the fact that you were with us hardly at all.”

 

“I… guess I just want to be there to s-see it…” she mumbled, nodding her head vigorously.

 

“Exactly, which isn’t selfish, it’s normal,” I insisted, “Look, you’re not perfect. But you aren’t a _monster_. You are perfectly capable not only of love, but of compassion, empathy, and sympathy. You are also exceptionally intelligent and ridiculously brave. You didn’t tell Harry something you should have, which is an honest mistake that Hermione and I made equally as much.”

 

“I…” I sniffled, “I didn’t realize you were in love with me for five years…”

 

“Ha!” I laughed. True, but really, what would we have been those five years? Lovers? As young teenagers?

 

I was just as delusional as she was.

 

“You’re just a little stupid when it comes to how other people feel sometimes. Not a big deal. Honestly if you were _perceptive_ about _everything_ it would be freakishly weird.”

 

Maggie laughed weakly. It was the most amazing sound I had ever heard. I kissed her as passionately as I could, so joyful to hear her laugh that I never wanted to hear anything ever again. She kissed me back, and she was holding me so tightly that she managed to push me to the ground. She was on top of me, and I was overwhelmed with the feeling of her, amazed at her curves interlocking so perfectly with mine, my body eager for more of her, desperate to feel her when I had so nearly lost her, enjoying every kiss and touch and wondering how quickly clothing could be removed –

 

_Self-destructive._

_She’s being self-destructive._

I broke away from her instantly, not letting my teenage hormones cloud my judgment, and I looked at her.

 

“You’re just doing this because you’re depressed,” I reminded her softly.

 

“So?” her voice broke, and I felt terrible, but I had to insist.

 

“So, we’re not ready yet, and you know that,” I reminded, pulling myself up and holding her close to me, looking at her lovingly, “You are reacting to an emotionally charged situation with further emotionally charged actions, and you need to climb back down from the cliff we barely pulled you off of, okay?”

 

“Okay,” she whispered, but she was crying and shaking heavily, and I knew she was overwhelmed, and mixed in those feelings was rejection – I had to reassure her – of _course_ I wanted her – but this wasn’t the time – she _knew_ this wasn’t the time –

 

“Mags, I love you, “I reminded. She cried even harder, burying her face in my shirt and holding to it tightly, sobbing into it with rivers of tears and shivering against me.

 

“I love you,” I whispered again. She kept crying against me, sobbing hysterically and I wrapped my arms tightly around her.

 

“I love you,” I continued, unable to say anything else now, just reminding her, just reminding her how much I cared.

 

She kept crying, her small body shaking in my arms as I pulled her legs up into them now, holding her in a ball up against me.

 

“I love you.”

 

 

“I love you.”

 

More sobbing.

 

“I love you.”

 

She began to quiet now, and I stroked her hair soothingly, kissing her forehead lovingly.

 

“I love you, Mags, I love you,” I whispered against her head.

 

She kept sniffling and sniffling, but she wasn’t shaking anymore now, at least.

 

“I love you,” I sniffled myself, tears flowing from my eyes again, unable to stop them.

 

She stopped crying, just resting against my chest.

 

“I love you,” I repeated again, squeezing my eyes shut with tears.

 

She was breathing softly and silently, and I pulled her head back from my chest. She was asleep. I sighed, relieved that she had made it through this day.

 

 _She’s hit rock bottom. We can only go up from here_.

 

For some reason, I believed those words.

 

She knew how I would react to her killing herself, now. She knew that killing herself wasn’t an option.

 

We could only go up.

 

I pulled myself and her from the ground, stumbling slightly with the effort. It was hard to lift her, but I forced myself to, carrying her tiny sleeping body from that spot in the wood back to our camp. I was exhausted by the time I got there, and Hermione and Sam looked at me in fear.

 

“She’s just asleep,” I reassured softly, sitting back on the ground and continuing to hold her to me.

 

“Did she –“ Hermione mumbled. She and Sam and both clearly been crying, and heavily at that. Blue chirped quietly, still looking distressed.

 

Blue had seen her do it – or at least, right before she had done it.

 

If anyone had had a worse day than I, it was poor little Blue. I nodded at the bird – dinosaur – whatever – and she scurried over to curl up next to the two of us.

 

“No, we talked for a long time, and she cried herself to sleep,” I whispered.

 

Hermione nodded, and without saying another word, curled up to go to sleep. Sam watched me for a while.

 

“It’s going to take a while to get her back to us,” Sam muttered.

 

“I know,” I agreed quietly, now with Blue _and_ Mags in my arms, somehow.

 

“I… I think we can do it, though,” he continued, his voice breaking.

 

“How can you know that?” I asked sharply.

 

“I tried to kill myself once,” Sam admitted. I felt my eyes widen in shock.

 

“You – what?”

 

“I was twelve,” Sam muttered, “It was the end of second year… I… I was ashamed of myself for a lot of reasons, but Hermione… I barely knew her, but, I was horrified that she had been petrified. I was horrified that everyone was getting petrified and I wasn’t doing anything to help. I was… I hated myself. For that and for other things. My Aunt was ashamed of me, for not being in Gryffindor like my parents. I didn’t have any friends, and it wasn’t that I didn’t want them – I just didn’t know how to relate to people who didn’t come from a similar past as me – but I didn’t want to talk to you guys because, well, I didn’t want to get dragged into all that – and I hated that I was such a _coward_ – and – and I just – I figured no one would miss me if I was gone.”

 

I looked at him in shock, my mouth hanging open.

 

“I cut myself a lot,” Sam drew in a shaky breath, “But Luna found me.”

 

I looked at him even more, clutching Maggie to me tightly.

 

“Pretty similar situation, actually – I was covered in blood, she came across me, in this little alcove in the Ravenclaw Common Room actually – apparently she would go there to read,” Sam swallowed visibly, “She patched me up, got me to Madam Pomfrey, and just – insisted on talking to me. She saved me.”

 

I tried to not cry and failed miserably.

 

“I was still depressed – Luna kept me from being suicidal, but I couldn’t help it. I was very much alone, and I didn’t know how to stop being so. Luna was one thing, but how could I justify dragging anyone else into my mess?” Sam laughed weakly, “But then Maggie insisted on it.”

 

I smiled slightly, holding her to me even more.

 

“Maggie saved all of us. We have to remind her of that,” Sam nodded rapidly, “And I think we can.”

 

“I think we can too,” I agreed quietly.

 

Sam smiled weakly and turned to fall asleep.

 

“Sam?” I asked into the night. He turned back to look at me.

 

“I’m glad Luna saved you,” I admitted softly. He was a good friend. I knew he needed to hear that, after sharing that story.

 

“I’m glad Maggie saved you,” Sam smirked slightly. Had I tried to kill myself and Maggie save me? No. But she had saved me. In a different way.

 

“Thanks,” I smiled slightly. He nodded again and rolled over to sleep. I held Maggie to me and fell asleep myself, pressing my head to hers, feeling Blue wedged next to us, her soft down fluttering in the breeze.

 

We’d get through this.

 

It was rock bottom, and the only way to go was up.

 

**Author's Note:**

> THAT WAS REALLY DEPRESSING BUT I had to write it it's a formative moment in Neville's life that affects almost all of his actions afterwards. 
> 
> I also confess I've been having some writer's block in the main story - and then tragedy struck me last week
> 
> My glorious outline for books 6-7? 
> 
> RUINED
> 
> BY RAIN
> 
> I AM SO UPSET 
> 
> I've been trying to write it all out again, but, I needed a break. So I wrote this stuff. 
> 
> I dunno when I'll update again - soon, I hope, but I have a busy couple of weeks ahead of me with school and everything, so please, just be patient. And Comment! Yes, even on these ficlets!
> 
> Another one to come to offset the depressing nature of this one - please comment on both! Thanks!


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